Mattie Loves Ryan

Copyright 2018 Kathleen Vincenz

ANNOUNCER:    Good morning, America. It’s time for MATTIE LOVES RYAN, starring Brenda Cummings and Dale Vandym as those two lovable kids who bicker, bicker, bicker. That also means it’s breakfast time here at WCRW, and at your house. Sniff, sniff, sniff. I don’t smell any sizzling bacon with your oatmeal. No time? Are your children whining into your ear, (IN A CHILD VOICE): I can’t find my phone, can you find it? I didn’t finish my homework; can you finish it?

Well, Pacific Foods solves the problem of serving your family a complete balanced meal deliciously with City Oats, a thick, rich, and delightful oatmeal infused with nugget-sized lumps of bacon. Kids won’t complain when biting into mushy, soggy lumps that crunch into crispy applewood bacon.

MUSIC:               THEME SONG OF CITY OATS SUNG TO THE MELODY OF COCO WHEATS

SINGING:             City Oats, City Oats, can’t be beat
It’s the lumpy, bumpy cereal with the crunchy treat.
You’ll be big and strong, have lots of fun;
eat City Oats everyone!

ANNOUNCER:    So what’s in your oatmeal? Next time, make the lumps bacon with City Oats.

Now, while you and your family munch into tasty bacon lumps in your City Oats, let’s catch up with Mattie and Ryan. In today’s episode, after finishing his City Oats, Ryan zooms in his beloved car, Subi Sue, to pick up Mattie for another uneventful day at high school or so he  thinks …

MUSIC: HAPPY GO-TO-SCHOOL-WITH-YOUR BOYFRIEND MUSIC. FADES TO THE SOUND OF RYAN’S CAR IDLING AND WCRW ON THE RADIO.  

(SOUND OF A CLUNKY CAR DOOR OPENING AND SLAMMING.)

MATTIE:              Good morning, Ryan!

RYAN:                  You’re late, Mattie.

MATTIE:              Oh, Ryan. (GIGGLES) Of course, I’m late. I had to text Jordan.

RYAN:                  Jordan? Why did you text Jordan?

MATTIE:              Oh, Ryan, you’re so funny. I had to text Jordan to thank him for taking me out last night.

RYAN:                  He took you out?

MATTIE:              Yes, I didn’t want to, but he asked me.

RYAN:                  You could’ve said no.

MATTIE:              Yes, I could have said no, but if I said no, then I couldn’t go to the movie. (GIGGLES)

RYAN:                  Well, you could wait and go with me.

MATTIE:              Oh, but Ryan, you didn’t ask me.

RYAN:                  But I told you, we’d go when I got paid.

MATTIE:              The movie was so funny. It was about these two kids from high school who bicker, bicker, bicker.

RYAN:                  Tell me less. In fact, tell me less in three words.

MATTIE:              We went to Starbright Coffee too.

RYAN:                  You know I can’t afford fancy coffee like that.

MATTIE:              I know. That’s why I went with Jordan.

RYAN:                  Because I don’t have money.

MATTIE:              And, I love fancy coffee. (GIGGLES)

(SOUND OF A CAR MISFIRING)

MATTIE:              Subi Sue seems a little sluggish today, Ryan. Are you taking care of her?

RYAN:                  There’s nothing wrong with Subi Sue. You’re glad to drive to school in her. A Subaru gets you through rain, sleet, and girls who are late texting Jordan.

(SQUEALING SOUND OF SUBI SUE’S TIRES TURNING AROUND.)

MATTIE:              What are you doing? You’re turning Subi Sue around? Where are we going?

RYAN:                  For a fancy coffee.

MATTIE:              Oh, Ryan. You’re so funny. (GIGGLES) Whoa! You’re driving Subi Sue manic. Where did you learn to drive?

RYAN:                  I didn’t. It’s a gift. Do you see a parking space?

MATTIE:              Over there.

(SOUND OF A CAR TURNING.)

MATTIE:              No, wait! It’s not a parking space, it’s a driveway. Over there! Beside the orange stumpy thing peeking out from the snow.

(SOUND OF A CAR TURNING.)

RYAN:                  OK. OK, hold your pigtails. Here we go!

(SQUEALING AND BRAKING.)

MATTIE:              Oh, Ryan. I haven’t worn pigtails since second grade.

RYAN:                  Hey, ho, Subi Sue. My luck is flying. I wedged Subi Sue right in and she fits. See a meter?

MATTIE:              I can’t see. There’s too much sun. I don’t see a meter …

RYAN:                  My luck is rocketing. No meter. Come on, Mattie!

(SOUND OF SHOES RUNNING ON PAVEMENT.)

MATTIE:              (GIGGLES) I’m coming. Coming for my fancy coffee. We won’t forget where we’re parked with the orange stumpy thing.

(HEAVY BREATHING.)

RYAN:                  Man, this is a long haul.

MATTIE:              We could go through the alley.

RYAN:                  Could be dangerous.

MATTIE:              Oh, Ryan, you’re so big and strong.

RYAN:                  Ha, ha, I can flex out of this shirt at any moment.

MATTIE:              Oh, Ryan, you say the funniest things. (GIGGLES)

(SOUND OF THE DOOR CLOSING, EXPRESSO MACHINES, OTHER COFFEE SHOP-RELATED THINGS. PEOPLE TALKING.)

MATTIE:              Oh, I love fancy coffee places but it’s crowded. Excuse me, excuse me. We’re going to be late.

(SOUND OF PEOPLE MOVING OUT OF HER WAY. SOME PEOPLE SAYING “PUSHY.”)

RYAN:              Hey, Mattie, come back here. You can’t do that!

MATTIE:              I can’t get in line? How are we going to buy coffee?

RYAN:              No, you’ve got to go to the back of the line, here with me, behind these people.

(SOUND OF SHUFFLING PAST PEOPLE.)

MATTIE:              But I don’t want to be late, Ryan. Mr. Morgan’s an old meanie, always saying I spend more time looking at you than at my chemistry book.

RYAN:                  You have to have patience, patience. You lose your temper.

MATTIE:              Can you really keep calm, Ryan? You aren’t really worried about the bell. It’s 8:10. We have 20 minutes.

RYAN:                  Of course I’m not. Patience. That’s my middle name.

MATTIE:              Oh, Ryan. You’re so funny. Your middle name is Ludwig.

RYAN:                  Shh, you don’t want everyone to hear that. Besides, that was a figure of speech.

MATTIE:              And not a very good figure either. Must need to exercise. (GIGGLES)

RYAN:                  Mattie, sometimes.

MATTIE:              Now patience, Ryan. Oh, look, it’s Alec. You who, Alec!

RYAN:                  Why are you calling to him for? Hey ho, my luck is lying down. He’s coming over.

MATTIE:              Oh, look at his coffee. It’s so expensive!

ALEC:                   Hello, Mattie. I didn’t think I’d see Ryan here.

RYAN:                  Why not? Can’t I like coffee?

ALEC:                   I thought people like you drank soda, in really big containers from gas stations.

RYAN:                  Oh, yeah, well people like me drink anything.

ALEC:                  Gasoline, fill up his tank.

MATTIE:               Now, boys. Don’t you want to be nice?

RYAN:                  Aw shucks, Mattie.

ALEC:                   See you after school, Mattie?

MATTIE:              Oh, yes! I’ll be there.

ALEC:                   I’ll be looking forward to it. And, don’t forget to not bring Ryan.

(SOUND OF ALEC WALKING AWAY.)

RYAN:                  Hey, what are you doing after school?

MATTIE:              Well, you’re working, so I decided to try out for the Pencilburg Players. Alec is the manager. They’re trying to get a radio play on WRCW about two kids in high school who bicker, bicker, bicker. You know, based on the movie I saw last night.

RYAN:                  Oh, he is, is he? And, you are, are you? Well, what do you know, it’s Christy. Christy!

CHRISTY:            (FROM A FAR) Hi, Ryan!

(SOUND OF A HAND BEING SLAPPED DOWN.)

RYAN:                  Ouch, Mattie, what did you do that for?

MATTIE:              I’m sure I don’t know to what you are referring. I thought I saw a flea fly by. Christy always reminds me of a flea, doesn’t she, you? Waiter, is there a flea in my coffee?

BARISTA:            Miss, Miss?

MATTIE:              Did I miss something?

RYAN:                  No, it’s our turn. Pick something.

MATTIE:              Oh, Ryan. (GIGGLES) I can’t decide. What can you afford?

RYAN:                  I can afford, you know, anything. Just pick something.

MATTIE:              A bowl of hot lumpy bumpy City Oats sounds good.

RYAN:                  Didn’t you eat your breakfast already?

MATTIE:              Oh, but I can eat City Oats anytime. It’s so much fun to munch into those soggy lumps of oatmeal and find the crunch of crispy applewood bacon.

MUSIC:               THEME SONG OF CITY OATS IN THE BACKGROUND

RYAN:                  Does sound good. Makes for a complete breakfast when you don’t have time. But you’ll have to wait 24 hours before you can eat it again. Now how about a coffee?

(THE CITY OATS THEME SONG FADES.)

MATTIE:              OK. I’ll have pumpkin latte with chai.

BARISTA:            What name?

MATTIE:              Name?

BARISTA:            Your name, so I can call you.

MATTIE:              What name should I give, Ryan? (GIGGLES)

RYAN:                  Why your own name, of course.

MATTIE:              Oh, I always wanted a new name. Brenda.  (GIGGLES)

(SOUND OF PEN WRITING.)

MATTIE:              No, Cassandra. I always wanted to be a Cassandra.

(SOUND OF PEN SCRATCHING OUT, AND REWRITING.)

MATTIE:              Would you like to be married to a Cassandra, Ryan?

RYAN:                  Ah, Mattie. Why can’t you be normal?

MATTIE:              Cassandra McGinty.

RYAN:                  That’s my last name.

MATTIE:              I know. (GIGGLES)

RYAN:                  You think too much about mushy things.

MATTIE:              Uh huh. Puppies, Christmas, and boys’ eyes. You have nice eyes, Mr. Starbright and you own all this coffee.

BARISSTA:          Ah, yes. Thanks.

RYAN:                  He’s not Mr. Starbright.

MATTIE:              Not as nice as your eyes, Ryan McGinty. Your eyes have broken floaty bits in them, like City Oats.

RYAN:                  Ah, Mattie.

MATTIE:              They’re especially beautiful when you look at me like that. Like you don’t understand me.

RYAN:                  That must be how they look all the time.

BARISSTA:          How do you spell Cassandra?

MATTIE:              Oh, with a bunch of C’s and S’s, I guess.

BARISSTA:          You don’t know how to spell your own name?

MATTIE:              Oh, it’s not my name. My name is Mattie.

BARISSTA:          With a Y or IE?

MATTIE:              Yes.

RYAN:                  It’s IE.

(MORE SOUNDS OF PEN SCRATCHING ON CUP.)

MATTIE:              Well, if he can’t spell Mattie, why should I be able to spell Cassandra McGinty. (GIGGLES) Of course, I know how to spell McGinty.

RYAN:                  We’re in high school.

MATTIE:              We won’t be if we’re late. We’ll be in reform school. (GIGGLES)

RYAN:                  They don’t put people in reform school anymore. Where do you get your ideas? From the recycle bin?

MATTIE:              Well, they should. Especially when the people go to Starbright instead of 1st hour Chemistry.

BARISTA:            That’ll be $7.98.

RYAN:                  $7.98! That’s robbery.

MATTIE:              Patience, Ryan.

RYAN:                  How can I have patience with prices like that? What’s a working guy to do? Let’s see. I have a $5.00 in my wallet. And, I know I had some change in my pocket.

(SOUND OF CHANGE JIGGLING.)

RYAN:                  I don’t know why we came here.

MATTIE:              Oh, that’s easy. Because you were jealous of Jordan.

RYAN:                  I was not.

MATTIE:              Yes, you were. And, Alec.

RYAN:                  Was not. I wanted a fancy coffee.

MATTIE:              Oh, Ryan. You’re so funny. I’d rather have a $5 hot-and-ready pizza with you than a deep dish with Jordan or Alec any day.

RYAN:                  Ah, Mattie, get your head off my shoulder. Don’t get any ideas.

MATTIE:              Can you hold my purse? And my phone. And, oh, my book.

RYAN:                  No, I don’t want to hold your purse. Why’d you bring all that stuff when we were going for a coffee? What are you doing now? Taking off your shoe?

MATTIE:              Here, Mr. Starbright.

(SOUND OF A CREDIT CARD SLIDING INTO THE REGISTER.)

RYAN:                  You keep a credit card in your shoe?

MATTIE:              My dad gave it to me. He said, (SPEAKING IN A LOW, EXAGGERATED DAD VOICE) ‘Use this when you go out with that nitwit Ryan.’ (GIGGLES) You can put a tip on it for you, Mr. Starbright. From Cassandra McGinty.

RYAN:                  Ah, Mattie. I’ll pay you back. You can trust me. I’m an honorable man. My feet may be tired but my heart is strong.

MATTIE:              I guess you’re honorable.

RYAN:                  Don’t think I don’t pay my debts, that I’m a shyster?

MATTIE:              I know you’re not, Ryan, a hipster. Yum. Fancy coffee.

(SOUND OF SIPPING HOT COFFEE.)

RYAN:                  Why are you making that face?

MATTIE:              I’m trying to like it. I’m putting on my face of smugness. I can give myself a headache with my smugness face. You should try it.

RYAN:                  Looks like it hurts. Why do you like coming here then?

MATTIE:              It’s fancy coffee. All the smuggest people come here! Oh, Ryan. It’s 8:20! We’d better speed.

(SOUND OF DOOR OPENING, EXPRESSO MACHINES, PEOPLE, FADING INTO THE SOUNDS OF THE STREET AND FEET RUNNING.)

RYAN:                  I can’t find Subi Sue!

(SOUND OF A TOW TRUCK ATTACHING CHAINS TO A CAR.)

MATTIE:              Oh, Ryan, look! She’s being towed.

RYAN:                  Oh, Mattie! That wasn’t an orange stump. It was a fire hydrant.

MATTIE:              Patience, Ryan, patience. Remember your middle name, Ludwig.

MUSIC:               THEME MUSIC COMES UP.

ANNOUNCER:    We’ll have to wait until next week, folks, to find out if the kids, Mattie and Ryan, can release Subi Sue from the impound lot. We can only imagine the bickering. In the meantime, be sure to start every morning with City Oats:

MUSIC:               THEME SONG OF CITY OATS SUNG TO THE MELODY OF COCO WHEATS

SINGING:             City Oats, City Oats, can’t be beat
It’s the lumpy, bumpy cereal with the crunchy treat.
You’ll be big and strong, have lots of fun;
eat City Oats everyone!

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